Like Freud's friends, most of us are conditioned to look for fulfillment of our desire. When it is not forthcoming, or not lasting, we tend to withdraw. Rather than rejoice in our lover's evasion of our attempts to control them, we feel dejected. In the face of unreliability, we retreat into our known selves. Our mourning paralyzes us, and our desire gets derailed. . . . It is possible to be in a state in which desire is valued, not as a prelude to possession, control or merger but as a mode of appreciation in itself.